True identity of self-love

Without going into a huge amount of detail (or this would be extremely long), time with the Lord is always beneficial but sometimes not fun.  I have been sifted like wheat (as Peter was) and there is was alot of "stuff" in my life that He had to reveal to me.  I have been studying through John leading up to the crucifixion taking it scene by scene and in John 18, we see that after the Last Supper that Jesus had with his disciples, Jesus tells Peter that he will deny him 3 times.  Of course Peter thinking he would NEVER do that, the Lord soon reveals to him his true identity of self-love.  Just an hour before he denies Christ, he cuts off a servant's ear because they have come to arrest Jesus.  One minute he was "willing to kill for Jesus, but was reluctant to die for Him."  He placed himself in a compromising situation, warming his hands by the fire with those that arrested Jesus.  Being a witness is one thing, but warming your hands by the fire is another.  One decision led him to the worst heartache a person could feel.  After he denied Christ a 3rd time, the rooster crowed and scripture tells us that he had to immediately look at the face of Jesus.  Can you imagine the look on Jesus' face?  Disappointment? Grief? Pain?  Then what must Peter have felt?  I can imagine it was the worst feeling a person could feel!  I know what it feels like to say something that has truly crushed someone you love, or to be caught after you have done something you knew was outright sin.  That rock in your gut.  I am sure Peter must have gone outside and wept bitterly and uncontrollably, tore his robe, or even punched something!  

Through this study, the Lord has brought me to this same place.  He has revealed to me that there is absolutely not ONE good thing about me.  Although I haven't denied Christ with my words, my life in so many ways has.  I have tiptoed around at times and chosen to remain unidentifiable, and with that I am as close to denial as I could be.  My silence is just as crushing as straight-up denial!  He has shown me that I am selfish, prideful, arrogant, and self-loving. My heart grieves as Peter did.

The truth is if Peter had been walking closely with the Lord and had been holding his coat tail instead of falling far behind him and if he had denied himself that day, he would not have denied Christ.  I want to learn from Peter's mistakes.  I want to Him to take over my life in such a way that I don't exist anymore.  Because until that happens, nothing good will come of me.  I want to walk so closely with Him that it is the overflow of my heart, all of the time, in every area of my life. I am thankful for the Lord's kindess found in Romans 2:4 that says that "His kindness has led us to repentance."  Without His kindness and mercy, I am as filthy rags.

Thank you Lord.